It's been forever since I've even logged in here @.@ sooooo sounds like update time...

2 years down the hole with Ricky, but I think I can be over it and be okay... he broke up with me last monday, and I've been kind of a wreck when I'm by myself... I can keep it together decently around people... though I kinda started crying last night in the van with my dad when he made some comment about how his friend Denise is getting over a relationship, too, but said it's different for her cuz "she actually met him" ... he was trying to be funny, but it made me sad cuz I was just waiting on the prices to go down before I bought a plane ticket to spend his birthday and thanksgiving with him... I don't think people understand how close you can become over such a huge distance... but I mean, we talked on the phone every night for like 2+ hours, we were -always- on msn or FFXI together, talking and doing shit together... now it seems like a huge piece of my life is just, gone XP
One thing that was kinda cool though... about ten minutes after it happened, Manda came on MSN, so I messaged her, just said "two years down the drain :/" and she knew what I meant, and said "I'm coming over, be there in ten" heh...
It sucks though, cuz I keep telling myself I'll be okay, and move on and deal with this then put it behind me... but then I think about him, and about how well we know eachother, and how much fun I had just talking to him... We had solid plans for moving forward, and shared lots of the same beliefs and ... Idno... He still wants to be friends, but I don't know how well I can do that, seeing as I don't know where the boundaries are anymore... We've been more than friends for two years now x.x; buuuut I kinda don't want to type everything I'm sad about losing, because it's not going to change anything, except make my makeup run x.x;
So, gonna change to the reason I'm even wearing makeup right now @.@ My friends Tina and Lexi and Tina's husband Kyle are coming to pick me up in about an hour to go to Flyball... it's a dog show kinda thing, where dogs do cool stuff lol... I don't know exactly, cuz I've never been to flyball per se... but it's supposed to be pretty cool Aaaand, Tina's brother has a dog that he's training for flyball, so he's going to be there, and Tina's trying to hook me and this guy up... Apparently he thinks I'm cute owo; which is cool, cuz I've known him a long freakin time, and I was attracted to him when I first met him... although, I'm not sure what to do about it all, cuz I don't want to jump in too fast and end up being a rebound with him XP
OH! that's another thing.... Manda's been helping me sort of... reinvent myself... girlier... lol
She's made me buy clothes that are girlier, but still kind of in my comfort zone... I have two new bras that totally make my boobs look awesome XD and a bunch of new panties that are cute and comfortable... and new pants and shirts that look really good, but are still comfy to wear I have spaghetti straps now O.o; I felt kinda awkward in them at first, cuz I haven't worn anything without sleeves since like... grade school XD But Manda let me buy a sweater that I could wear over them 'til I got more comfortable I take the sweater off more often now n-n
Aaaaaand... I got a ton of really good makeup when I was working security (oh, yeah... I'll mention that in the next paragraph) at a drug store... cuz they had crazy sales and damaged stuff they were tossing and shit XD and it was all good quality stuff like Covergirl and Maybeline and Quo and whatnot...
And then, last week Saturday... I went with Manda and we got our hair done! First time I've really ever got my hair done... EVER... I got streaks in grade 8 that didn't show cuz the hairdresser sucked, and I got it trimmed once, but that's it XD This time, I got it cut and coloured... The cut is basically a trim and layering, so the curls are more all-over and even looking, rather than flat at the top and curly at the bottom lmao... and the colour... is different O.o; it took some getting used to XD I saw it and was like "... omg... wtf... did... the hairdresser... do to me...!?!?!?!?111??//!?!" lol but ... it looks freakin awesome! I'm used to it, and I -love- it... what she did was died the whole thing a lighter brown, not drastically lighter, but enough that I can notice it... and then I got BLONDE highlights lol... BLONDE. ON RACHEL. lol it looks awesome though ^^ I bet it's the major reason Tina's cute brother thinks I'M cute lol [link] if you wanna take a look... ^^ I took a couple pics, and the profile pic is one of them I'm also wearing makeup in that one... though no mascara, cuz I couldn't find it XD

Aaand, about the security guard... lol I work for a security company now... Impact Security group it's called... it's awesome cuz they pick me up to take me to the site I'm working at XD I'm on a sort of temp suspension right now though, cuz my security license expired and I have to wait for the training class that should be sometime this month... but it's not so bad, cuz I had some money saved, and my dad's helping me however he can ^^
Actually, it's pretty cool, cuz he's helping me find a new place... the place I'm living at right now... after moving out of a place where the roommate stopped paying bills and shit, I'm living somewhere the dudes stopped paying... bills... and shit... -.- /sigh no breaks there... the guys kept getting late notices on rent, and I only noticed them when I went to check for my mail... If I wasn't expecting a paystub in the mailbox, I'd never have found out.. that they got evicted... yeah, awesome. I didn't pay them rent this month, thankfully, cuz I found out two days before the end of the month lol... so yeah... moving sometime in the next couple of weeks... moving to a basement with my dad's friend from work who needs the cash... my rent's only going to be 350/mo, so I'll be able to keep saving money, and save even more than I am right now, which is awesome... I need to buy a new bed and bedframe and I want to start saving money to get my degree in computer engineering or something... and then hopefully I can start saving for a downpayment on a new car, and then get that taken care of... and then get a house it's going to take a while, but if I play my cards right, I can do it ^^
Aaand, my babies are doing pretty good Midge was peeing everywhere -.- but I took him to the vet and found out he had a urinary tract infection... so got him an antibiotic shot along with instructions to feed the cats more soft food and make sure they always have water, which they love to tip over -.-; lol Mac and Icarus are doing good though They all love to cuddle with me when I sleep ^^ so overall that's going well

Let's see... anything else? Hmm... well, I server hopped to Pheonix cuz Ricky wanted me to, which sucks now that he's broken up with me and I'm stuck here by myself... I applied and got accepted to a really good EU end-game shell, though... I'll probably still hop back to Carbuncle once my 90 days are up, or close after that... I haven't decided for sure yet, though... Nobody that I liked on Carbuncle seems to play anymore, other than two or three people that I don't even -really- like, they're just fun to talk to sometimes...

Bleh... over all though, I'm not sure where my mood really lies... I mean, I -want- to be happy, and think about all the good shit going on in my life... but it's hard to enjoy life when you have nobody to share it with :/ it seems like the only person who really cares about my happiness is Manda, and even she drives me nuts half the time... And god, I should be happy for her, but she just keeps getting everything handed to her... two cars, a house, a happy baby, government jobs, a boyfriend that somehow can put up with her crap... and here I can barely make ends meet, I can't seem to find a stable relationship, and it feels like all the bad things are really weighing me down...
I actually went to the doctor a couple months back... told her I think I have depression, cuz my dad finally figured out that's what's wrong with me, with the way I act... he's been helping me as best he can, now that he knows what's up... Well, the doctor gave me a little survey after asking some questions about why I think I have depression... I answered the survey honestly, and I guess I basically got like... 72/80 or something... 80 being the highest score you can get, and meaning you have depression... XP she put me on some meds and referred me to a psychiatrist... I got in to see him fairly quickly, which is great... he upped my dosage but said it's only something to keep my stable until we can figure out what the issue is and fix it... which is good, cuz I don't want to rely on drugs my entire life... it's stressing to think of all the things I have to work through before I can be a normal human being... but now that I have some people who know, and are willing to help me out... I think I can manage somehow, and start working towards the place I want to be...
I guess, even with all the stress that thinking of the future seems to give me, I'm pretty hopeful for where I'm headed, even if right now it seems like a dead end, I know I can get it together and work things through... I've always been strong, as much as I'd like just once in a while to be weak, now's not the time... once I've got everything together, and my life on a stable path I can be as weak as I want Hopefully by then I won't have a reason to need to be weak ^^
O.o; oh yeah... one more thing! I have arthritis... lol ftw. In both knees... 21 and older than my body needs to be D:
@.@ oh yeah... birthday's in less two weeks... I'm turning 21 for the second time 8D lol
I'm kinda looking forward to it... this might be the first birthday I can really enjoy with friends and such...

Oooo... and I guess one really good thing that came from Ricky... all the music he's introduced me to... bands I probably never would have heard of otherwise... with AMAZING singers and music and EVERYTHING... I haven't stopped playing Circa Survive, Saosin, Emarosa, and Dance Gavin Dance since I found out about them... and I have a bunch of new bands on my playlist that I love, too, like Aiden, Alesana, Evans Blue, and A Day to Remember(found them myself on myspace, but still awesome!)... Circa Survive's song, "The Difference Between Medicine and Poison is in the Dose" really speaks to me... I've actually finally decided for sure 100% positive what I want for my first tattoo... it's going to be a piece of the lyrics to the chorus ...
"Well don't talk about it / Write it down but don't ask for help / I can't be honest with even myself / Did you ever wish you were somebody else?" it's like... exactly what I've been doing for the past four years or more... I have issues that I don't talk about with anyone, but I've always kept up journals and poetry and stuff to vent it all, and never asked for help... I've always lied to myself about feelings and shit, and it's just dug me deeper into my hole, and... I've always wished I could be somebody, anybody, else... Plus it's the greatest fucking song I've -ever- heard... the video's pretty awesome too, if you check it out on youtube XD

Anywho! That should do it XD Four gazillion words later 8D
Enjoy... lulz...